Happy Fathers Day

I hope you all had a good Father's Day. We had the family over for some griling and the weather actually cooperated! I also completed Round 16 on Thursday, Just the usual but I am scheduled for a CT scan before my next treatment on July 2 - so we'll see if I'm still holding the line. If I am, I'm going to ask my onc when I can get a rest from the chemo.

I took a few pics in the garden again today as it actually didn't rain (a rare treat)! Here's a sample. I hope you are all well...BB

Acceptance

I thought I’d share some thoughts on the stages (at least my stages) of dealing with my new situation. I was diagnosed on October 3 of last year and had the surgery on October 8. After six weeks at home recovering, I went back to work and started chemo right away. Two cycles later (4 weeks), I realized that I couldn’t work and go through treatment at the same time and so I (reluctantly) went out on disability. During this period, I must admit, I was a bit off-center in dealing with cancer. In the whirlwind of my first three months, I moved forward, almost in a daze, without thinking much about the emotion of a bad prognosis.

In the next three months, roughly the first quarter of this year, all my concerns seemed to surround me. I couldn’t make it through a day without considerable concern about how to support my family, how to cope with the seemingly endless stream of doctor visits, drugs and side effects and, perhaps most importantly, my sense of loss about the life I once lived. I just wanted things to be “normal” again.

I feel now that I’ve come out of that fog and am starting to accept the consequences of my misfortune. I’ve realized that my former life – particularly my work life – may be behind me. I would love to return to it but I’m not convinced that it’s possible. I may be able to go back to work at some point but I doubt it will be in the capacity that I had before. Having spent the last 5 years or so in entrepreneurial pursuits, I know how much it demands great focus, planning, energy and faith. If I can return to work, I’m not sure I’ll have the ability to be lead sled dog. I may need to find another way to pull my load.

In any event, this acceptance has brought me some peace and some ability to focus on the next stage of my life. Life is a path with no turning back. We can’t unwind it. We can’t backtrack on decisions made or actions taken. For some, perhaps, they go with the path laid out before them without hesitation. That’s not really my personality. The happenstance of my cancer has brought me to the end of the trail I was on well before I imagined. I need to now find a new course. I’m not sure where it will lead and, frankly, I still find it difficult to plan more than a month or two ahead. My days of long view thinking may be behind me as I know I will be subject to the bimonthly scan on cancer progress and the course adjustment needed if I don’t hold the line medically. For now, I’m stable but I’m acutely aware that this may not always be the case. So I’m recognizing and accepting that the old trail may have come to an end. It’s time to find or make a new one. Where the trail will lead, I can’t yet say, but at least I can see the need to start working on building it.

Everyone has hardships. Particularly in the economy we are in now, many are suffering. But action over inaction would still be my rule. If you are coping now with your situation, keep the faith and remember that all trails have an end but usually they end at the start of another one. Maybe a better one.

I thank you all for your help and I wish you all the best…BB

Crash

As I mentioned previously in a blog entry, I have been editing some photos. They are from the Evans Photograpy archives and are all auto crash photos from 1959 to 1976. Here’s a sample. Do you find it compelling?

Round 15

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written. It’s been busy. I have now completed Round 15 (7 months of chemo) and I’m starting to get the hang of it (I guess I’m a slow learner). Side effects are always a problem but they have settled into a groove so I know what to expect and how to deal with it.

Last week my father came up from Florida for a week. It was a nice visit. Here's a picture including my brother and neices. It was also fortunate that we have two couches so there was plenty of room for the mid-day nap for both of Dad and me!

Picture from my Garden

Hey All - just a quick blog before my next treatment. I go for Round 14 on Thursday. Side effects this week have been "as usual". So, when I have energy, I'm still puttering in the garden. I've been growing a special hybrid daisy - see picture. It's an odd variety but very photogenic!

I've also been doodling a bit with photography and am going to try to teach myself some photoshop. I've also been editting some film from Evans photography (the family biz). When I get it sorted out, maybe I'll share some. In the meantime, the weather's warm and I hope you are all enjoying it! Best, BB

Round 13

Just a quick note since it's been a while. I had chemo (Round 13) last Thursday. More importantly, I got the results of my scan. It shows no change. While I will admit I was hoping for more, Dr S pointed out that cancer's goal is to grow. So, showing no growth means that the chemo is working.

Round 13 marks my six month anniversary of being on chemo. It's still a grind but I suppose I'm getting used to it. In a couple of months, I may be given a "chemo holiday" to rest my liver (evidently chemo is hard on your liver but my levels have been stable from the start). Anyway, I thought I'd let you all know that no change is good and I'm still here. In the meantime, I am switching from short term disability to long term disability and social security disability. This means a lot of forms to fill out but I don't expect any issues. It's a little odd being out of work for so long - and I'm not sure how long it will really be. But, when I have energy, I have been doing a little gardening - see pic above from the garden. Be well! BB

Prom Night

Vicki is going to the junior prom tonight! See pic with doting father. She looks great and is very excited to go. I kidded her that her date would need to pass a test on Yankee and Giants trivia in order to take her but she said it would only serve to embarass her -so I have to trust the guy (yikes!)

As for me, I had a scan on Thursday to check on progress but I won't hear the results until next week. Perhaps even not until I go in for juicing on Thursday. In the meantime, I'm filling out forms with the insurance company and social security, applying for long term disability. I'm having the usual side effects - most annoying as usual is the fatigue and neuropathy. I had to bail on going to a bar mitzvah today because it was a long drive and I just wasn't up to it.

For those of you interested in birds - I set up our hummingbird feeder this week and instantly got a ruby-throated visiter. We've named him Arnold after Arnold Swartzenegger since he looks like a tough little hombre (and hummingbirds are notorious for vigorously defending their turf!) I also need to print a retraction for my earlier blog about the beavers in Burnham Pond. I got a close up look at them a couple of weeks ago and they are not beaver - they are muskrats. But I haven't seen them in a couple of weeks and I'm wondering if the park service trapped them. In the meantime, three swans have settled in the pond much to the consternation of the canada geese! They were fighting a lot the last couple of days but seem to have settled into a truce. In addition to them, the population seems to have gotten into a rhythm - the red-wing backbirds, barn swallows, boattail grackles and cormorants are all co-existing peacefuly!

Wishing you a great week and good weather...BB