I thought I’d share some thoughts on the stages (at least my stages) of dealing with my new situation. I was diagnosed on October 3 of last year and had the surgery on October 8. After six weeks at home recovering, I went back to work and started chemo right away. Two cycles later (4 weeks), I realized that I couldn’t work and go through treatment at the same time and so I (reluctantly) went out on disability. During this period, I must admit, I was a bit off-center in dealing with cancer. In the whirlwind of my first three months, I moved forward, almost in a daze, without thinking much about the emotion of a bad prognosis.
In the next three months, roughly the first quarter of this year, all my concerns seemed to surround me. I couldn’t make it through a day without considerable concern about how to support my family, how to cope with the seemingly endless stream of doctor visits, drugs and side effects and, perhaps most importantly, my sense of loss about the life I once lived. I just wanted things to be “normal” again.
I feel now that I’ve come out of that fog and am starting to accept the consequences of my misfortune. I’ve realized that my former life – particularly my work life – may be behind me. I would love to return to it but I’m not convinced that it’s possible. I may be able to go back to work at some point but I doubt it will be in the capacity that I had before. Having spent the last 5 years or so in entrepreneurial pursuits, I know how much it demands great focus, planning, energy and faith. If I can return to work, I’m not sure I’ll have the ability to be lead sled dog. I may need to find another way to pull my load.
In any event, this acceptance has brought me some peace and some ability to focus on the next stage of my life. Life is a path with no turning back. We can’t unwind it. We can’t backtrack on decisions made or actions taken. For some, perhaps, they go with the path laid out before them without hesitation. That’s not really my personality. The happenstance of my cancer has brought me to the end of the trail I was on well before I imagined. I need to now find a new course. I’m not sure where it will lead and, frankly, I still find it difficult to plan more than a month or two ahead. My days of long view thinking may be behind me as I know I will be subject to the bimonthly scan on cancer progress and the course adjustment needed if I don’t hold the line medically. For now, I’m stable but I’m acutely aware that this may not always be the case. So I’m recognizing and accepting that the old trail may have come to an end. It’s time to find or make a new one. Where the trail will lead, I can’t yet say, but at least I can see the need to start working on building it.
Everyone has hardships. Particularly in the economy we are in now, many are suffering. But action over inaction would still be my rule. If you are coping now with your situation, keep the faith and remember that all trails have an end but usually they end at the start of another one. Maybe a better one.
In the next three months, roughly the first quarter of this year, all my concerns seemed to surround me. I couldn’t make it through a day without considerable concern about how to support my family, how to cope with the seemingly endless stream of doctor visits, drugs and side effects and, perhaps most importantly, my sense of loss about the life I once lived. I just wanted things to be “normal” again.
I feel now that I’ve come out of that fog and am starting to accept the consequences of my misfortune. I’ve realized that my former life – particularly my work life – may be behind me. I would love to return to it but I’m not convinced that it’s possible. I may be able to go back to work at some point but I doubt it will be in the capacity that I had before. Having spent the last 5 years or so in entrepreneurial pursuits, I know how much it demands great focus, planning, energy and faith. If I can return to work, I’m not sure I’ll have the ability to be lead sled dog. I may need to find another way to pull my load.
In any event, this acceptance has brought me some peace and some ability to focus on the next stage of my life. Life is a path with no turning back. We can’t unwind it. We can’t backtrack on decisions made or actions taken. For some, perhaps, they go with the path laid out before them without hesitation. That’s not really my personality. The happenstance of my cancer has brought me to the end of the trail I was on well before I imagined. I need to now find a new course. I’m not sure where it will lead and, frankly, I still find it difficult to plan more than a month or two ahead. My days of long view thinking may be behind me as I know I will be subject to the bimonthly scan on cancer progress and the course adjustment needed if I don’t hold the line medically. For now, I’m stable but I’m acutely aware that this may not always be the case. So I’m recognizing and accepting that the old trail may have come to an end. It’s time to find or make a new one. Where the trail will lead, I can’t yet say, but at least I can see the need to start working on building it.
Everyone has hardships. Particularly in the economy we are in now, many are suffering. But action over inaction would still be my rule. If you are coping now with your situation, keep the faith and remember that all trails have an end but usually they end at the start of another one. Maybe a better one.
I thank you all for your help and I wish you all the best…BB
7 comments:
Twenty five years ago I had a boss - the president of Ocean County College - who spoke often about how many career and life changes would take place in one's life. His message was that across a lifetime, on average, people change careers and direction seven times. I think he was right - not necessarily about the number of changes but the fact that people do, or are forced to, change due to circumstances beyond their control, such as divorce, health issues, death.
I can agree through my own life experiences that changes are inevitable. Think about those close to you who have made major changes in their work and family life.
To accomplish change successfully I found that it was not a matter of strength but necessity. Accepting that the past is past is the beginning. That opens up a world of possibilities. It is like getting a second chance.
The next step for me - 1972, 1981, 2002 - was what am I going to do with the rest of my life. Before I accepted that the past was the past, I was devastated, extremely depressed and, like you, in a fog. I just tried to move forward, a day at a time, until a new world started to evolve from the ashes of the past. I took what I still had - a drive, a need to be productive - and learned what I had to learn to make a new life and career work.
As much as the change was hard, it was also very rewarding. Embrace a second, or third, or fourth chance
There are a world of possibilities open to you. Looking back I find that the changes, though devastating to begin with became the best thing that could happen.
On a very minor note, who would have thought a phys ed teacher would have a career as a public relations and fundraising executive followed by owning a photogaphy studio, which is changing direction again to a photo archives studio.
Have faith in yourself and faith in God. Love, Mom
Life has a way of throwing curve balls, and your path ends up being a series of foul balls, strikeouts, and runs.
OK, enough sports metaphor.
Humans are really bad at predicting the future -- or there would be no such thing as gambling -- but we sure do have good imaginations. The person you are today is the sum of all the experiences you've had, and the person you will become is completely unpredictable -- although that future person will still be recognizable as you.
Brian,
Your mother sounds like one smart lady. Reinventing one's self can be a very daunting task. Staying open to the posibilities I think is the best approach. But you already have a handle on that.
It was good seeing you again. I hope we can get together with the families soon. Chris O
Brian,
You truly are one of bravest people I know. Sometimes in life the most difficult, yet perhaps most important, things we can do is "accept". It is not an easy thing to do, but once that mental leap is made - it can be very liberating.
I am proud to know you. And I really appreciate your blog.
love, Jon
There is a "cutsie" saying that Life is what happens to you while you are making plans. This sums up what the other posts are saying, and you have come to realize. We have no control over what happens, just how we react to it.
The future is not hit or miss or fatalistic. You have control of your direction, the recognition and response to opportunity and the effort expended to change. Leave "what could have been" to others and plan the best possible future forward.
I've been thinking alot about this post since it went up. As always, thoughtful, insightful and beautifully written (a skill I wish I had). My brain being my brain, it went to many aspects of it - way too many to share here - but I will add that paths change be choice or by event. When they do, I often find myself taking a "forced marched" perspective - head down; one foot in front of the other; taking care of business. It is this perspective that makes the journey true drudgery and denies me the opportunity to see the gems that are along the path. I often have to say to myself "look up - stop and take in the beauty". Often, it's just remembering who's on the path with you...speaking of which...HEY, there you are! It was great seeing you and Robbie this weekend!!
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