I thought I’d share some thoughts on the stages (at least my stages) of dealing with my new situation. I was diagnosed on October 3 of last year and had the surgery on October 8. After six weeks at home recovering, I went back to work and started chemo right away. Two cycles later (4 weeks), I realized that I couldn’t work and go through treatment at the same time and so I (reluctantly) went out on disability. During this period, I must admit, I was a bit off-center in dealing with cancer. In the whirlwind of my first three months, I moved forward, almost in a daze, without thinking much about the emotion of a bad prognosis.
In the next three months, roughly the first quarter of this year, all my concerns seemed to surround me. I couldn’t make it through a day without considerable concern about how to support my family, how to cope with the seemingly endless stream of doctor visits, drugs and side effects and, perhaps most importantly, my sense of loss about the life I once lived. I just wanted things to be “normal” again.
I feel now that I’ve come out of that fog and am starting to accept the consequences of my misfortune. I’ve realized that my former life – particularly my work life – may be behind me. I would love to return to it but I’m not convinced that it’s possible. I may be able to go back to work at some point but I doubt it will be in the capacity that I had before. Having spent the last 5 years or so in entrepreneurial pursuits, I know how much it demands great focus, planning, energy and faith. If I can return to work, I’m not sure I’ll have the ability to be lead sled dog. I may need to find another way to pull my load.
In any event, this acceptance has brought me some peace and some ability to focus on the next stage of my life. Life is a path with no turning back. We can’t unwind it. We can’t backtrack on decisions made or actions taken. For some, perhaps, they go with the path laid out before them without hesitation. That’s not really my personality. The happenstance of my cancer has brought me to the end of the trail I was on well before I imagined. I need to now find a new course. I’m not sure where it will lead and, frankly, I still find it difficult to plan more than a month or two ahead. My days of long view thinking may be behind me as I know I will be subject to the bimonthly scan on cancer progress and the course adjustment needed if I don’t hold the line medically. For now, I’m stable but I’m acutely aware that this may not always be the case. So I’m recognizing and accepting that the old trail may have come to an end. It’s time to find or make a new one. Where the trail will lead, I can’t yet say, but at least I can see the need to start working on building it.
Everyone has hardships. Particularly in the economy we are in now, many are suffering. But action over inaction would still be my rule. If you are coping now with your situation, keep the faith and remember that all trails have an end but usually they end at the start of another one. Maybe a better one.
I thank you all for your help and I wish you all the best…BB
I hope you all had a good Father's Day. We had the family over for some griling and the weather actually cooperated! I also completed Round 16 on Thursday, Just the usual but I am scheduled for a CT scan before my next treatment on July 2 - so we'll see if I'm still holding the line. If I am, I'm going to ask my onc when I can get a rest from the chemo.
